Friends,
Shortly after my husband and I said our vows, one evening we found ourselves hunkered down in the kitchen organizing cupboards. We had married slightly later in life, and I moved into my husband’s nearly-paid-off house. Though the home exuded typical bachelor pad vibes, it was quaint. All it lacked was a particular woman’s touch. I set to work immediately, and this is how I found myself elbow-deep in kitchen cupboards.
Looking back, if I had to guess, my husband probably didn’t see the need for this reorganization. The cupboards weren’t haphazardly filled, but they were filled. I figured he just hadn’t gotten around to cleaning them out in a while. Things started smoothly enough, but soon I realized my husband wasn’t particularly interested in getting rid of items. Standing on the top of a footstool, I remember coming across a collection of dusty canned jars he’d received from a family member. Peaches, jam? Memory fails me, but I think the contents were of the fruit variety.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: “How long have you had these?”
Him: “Seven, eight years probably.”
Me: “Oh… We can probably throw them out then.”
Him: “Why? They’re still good.”
Me: “Well, if you haven’t eaten them yet, what are the chances?”
I don’t remember the exact words, but what I do remember is the way we stared at each other after the exchange. My logic clearly hadn’t fazed him, and vice versa.
Why would we keep something we aren’t likely to use, I reasoned.
Why would we throw out something perfectly good, he reasoned.
I grew up in a household with an obsessively tidy, organized mother. My husband grew up in a home that valued saving things for a rainy day. Different households, different values. Both valid, depending on your point of view.
This is the thing with marriage; we enter in with histories. It takes about a day for our histories to collide. I don’t think this was the first instance in our one month of matrimony that this occurred to me, but I do think this was the night it sank in. We had our work cut out for us—and this was only kitchen cupboards.
Perhaps this is why I sometimes struggle with the standard romance-genre narrative: two people meet, overcome a series of obstacles, and finally live happily ever after. Don’t misunderstand, it’s highly satisfactory for the audience and many such stories are sublimely romantic. Take Pride and Prejudice. I love Mr. Darcy striding across the field to reiterate his love for Elizabeth as much as the next girl.
But after twenty-four years of marriage, I can’t help but think about what came after.
What interplay occurred between Elizabeth and Lady Catherine de Bourgh after the wedding? What terse (and likely comical) conversations ensued between Darcy and members of the Bennet family he previously scorned? And what transpired between the couple as a result? Elizabeth married into the snobbery she disdained, and Darcy had to deal with “the inferiority of [her] connections.” Married people know that’s where the real story lies.
We walk into our partnerships with family baggage, trauma, lifestyle preferences, and all manner of heart issues. We all know happily ever after is reductive, but I think we all carry a bit of the fairy tale in our hearts.
But I’ll tell you, my perspective of romance has changed.
Two-and-a-half decades in and the most romantic thing marriage has brought me is the poetry and potency of covenant. My husband and I have endured some fiery trials together. Life has battered us with its proverbial storms, and we’ve proverbially battered one another a time or two along the way. We’ve been kind and good-willed most of the time, but not always. Still, we’ve seen each other in our worst moments and showed up in the next one. I appreciate a bouquet of flowers, but it’s the commitment to be here even if that means the most to me.
Scripture offers marriage as a picture of the relationship of Christ and his bride, the Church. The most beautiful, compelling thing for me is that after years of God unveiling the ugly, hidden places of my heart, he still shows up every day. He still declares, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5 ESV).
My husband and I still disagree about the “stuff” in our house. I’m all about clearing the clutter and he’s for salvaging the scraps. We’ve learned to compromise, but we are who we are. Nonetheless, the good, hard stretch of days after we said “I do” have been far more romantic than the ones that preceded them. True romance surpasses the fairy tale.
July Book Recommendation
Now that I’ve admitted to wrestling with the typical romance arc, it’s my joy to recommend The Light of Stars by Jenelle Hovde. This is a gorgeously written, layered novel with a nuanced plot and complex characters. It’s also one of the most romantic stories I’ve read in a long while.
From the publisher:
An arranged marriage. A powerful company tainted with corruption. Two souls caught between obligation and a longing to find their true calling in this Regency romance set in glittering London ballrooms and Calcutta street markets.
When Kitty Grenville’s grandfather announces her engagement to Sebastian Sinclair, she’s appalled. She barely remembers the boy she met once as a child―and now he’s a man tied to the East India Company, the very organization that tore Kitty and her brother from their mother and home in Hyderabad years ago. Unwilling to relinquish her dream of a love match or her passion for astronomy, Kitty is determined to refuse the marriage and find freedom in her own way.
Sebastian Sinclair carries the weight of duty and regret. To atone for past sins, he complies with his grandfather’s orders to return to England, fulfill a long-standing betrothal, and defend the maligned East India Company before Parliament. Though Kitty makes her disinterest clear, Sebastian is drawn to her intellect and spirit.
As Kitty navigates her first London season, her opinion of Sebastian begins to shift, especially when he shields her from scandal. When he’s abruptly called back to India, Kitty stuns everyone by marrying him and going with him, hoping to escape her grandfather’s control―and to find her mother.
But the challenges that await in India are greater than imagined. Together, Kitty and Sebastian must confront the legacy of family and empire―and discover if a marriage born of obligation can grow into a love strong enough to endure.
I’ve always loved how the arranged marriage trope subverts the standard romance arc, but what delighted me about The Light of Stars is that the author also subverts the arranged marriage trope! Call me a rebel, but I’m a champion for writers who break the rules.
I don’t want to expose too much of the plot, but Kitty and Sebastian marry shortly after the midway point of the book, and this portion of the story had my heart. Immediately, the newly married couple boards a ship bound for India and tumultuous seas provide the backdrop for the “honeymoon.” Not only is the rocky voyage symbolic for what lies ahead, but the less-than-auspicious start immediately strips the characters of pretenses, leaving them vulnerable to one another. I found this deeply moving and, yes, romantic.
I couldn’t put this one down. A five-star novel for this reader!
July Giveaway
The Light of Stars is July’s book giveaway! One winner will be chosen at random and notified by email mid-August.
Last month’s giveaway of Chapter One Again goes to the entrant whose initials match K.J. Congrats, and please check your inbox for details!
Friends, in light of this month’s theme, it is my joy to introduce you to fellow author, April Barcalow. April has a passion for marriage, and her fiction novels are centered around married couples. As my earlier reflection exemplifies, I believe the deeper romance narratives are found further into a partnership. Thus, I’m fully behind this author’s work.
While April pursues publication of her debut novel, you can read For Us: Seeking God’s Heart for Marriage. The 30-day marriage devotional is free when you sign up for April’s newsletter. This devotional is relatable, transparent, and scriptural. In short, it’s lovely. Enjoy!
In personal news, I’m easing into my new role as Senior Editor at Wallflower Journal. Look for a regular newsletter addition, “From the Editor’s Desk,” in the coming months where I will share lovely articles from our beautiful publication.
I’m also plugging along on my second manuscript and hope to have it completed by the end of August. Prayers appreciated!
Lastly, while I read less nonfiction these days, I had the privilege of receiving an advanced copy of A Hard Freedom: The Dreams and Trauma of North Korean Refugees by Dan Chung. “Gathered from the author's work with the NGO, Crossing Borders, this book shares the real life stories of North Koreans trapped under the weight of lingering trauma, depression, and discrimination in South Korea.”
I learned so much from this incredible, important book, friends. I hope you will check it out.
Until August,
Tiffany
What a beautiful post Tiffany! I like how you related marriage back to our relationship with God as well. Wonderfully written!
Well said about the romance of covenant.